12. When Doing the Right Thing Still Feels Wrong.

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It’s easy to say, “Do the right thing.”
But what actually is the right thing?
Who gets to decide that—
A judge?
The police?
Your parents?
Your friends?
Or you?

Today I came to a difficult but important realisation:
I don’t actually know what the “right thing” is.
Not really.

Because every time I think I’ve found it, something else appears—another path, another voice, another version of what “right” looks like—and I start to doubt myself all over again.

I grew up in a world where I was rarely, if ever, “right.”
So much so that I left home in a blaze of pride, determined to prove myself.
Only to be proven wrong… and return with my tail between my legs.

Then I tried again, leaning into the voices around me.
Believing they must know better than me.
But once again, I forced a situation that fell apart, and I had to backtrack—again.

I kept making choices based on what I thought was right.
Believing in love. Believing in hope. Believing in growth.
And yet, I’ve been knocked flat more times than I can count—
Each time having to peel myself off the floor and redirect.

And yes, those mistakes made me stronger.
Yes, I’ve survived them.
But sometimes I wonder… am I really okay?

Because here’s the new, heavier weight:
Now I’m not alone.

Now the consequences of my “right” decisions fall on more than just me.
Now there are people depending on me—watching me.
And that makes the fear of getting it wrong even worse.

I’ve acted out of love.
I’ve tried to do what felt best in the moment.
But love alone doesn’t always lead to the best outcome.
And that hurts in a way I can’t fully explain.