It’s 2022, and I promised myself I was going to let go of all the dead weight and baggage from the past few years and start living again. That didn’t even last an hour into New Year’s what a joke. 😡
My youngest daughter caught Covid, and the New Year celebration felt flat. So, what did I do? I blamed myself for everything that’s happened, including her getting Covid. 🤦🏽♀️
Someone I trust reminded me again that I am my own problem, not anyone else, and that I need to make a change for me.
But how can I change myself?
It’s not my fault all these things have happened to me. I’ve tried to make changes, so what now? I must have done something to deserve all this, I must be paying for something I’ve done in my past, but what?
This was the beginning of my spiral(s).
I discovered I hated myself, and in turn, hated others for anything they said. All I heard were negative comments. I started tearing myself apart, focusing only on the negative. I couldn’t see anything good about myself, no matter what I did, it was never good enough. Eventually, I stopped trying altogether.
If I had an idea and someone else had the same one, I wouldn’t pursue mine because I believed the other person’s would be better. I’d quit before I even began.
I used to tell myself I was afraid of success, but in reality, I’m afraid of failure. So, I don’t bother trying. By not trying, I can’t be disappointed. So, I stopped trying new things, stopped learning, and just stood on the sidelines as everyone else moved forward.
This only reinforced my dislike for myself and made me avoid others. I became insecure around people, believing everyone was better than me.
I stopped doing things for myself and focused entirely on doing things for others even when they didn’t want me to.
My joys were centered around my children’s joys. I forgot what my own were. Their interests became mine, but now, they no longer need my depth of care and attention in the way they once did. So, what do I do now?
I had spent so long caring and grooming them that I forgot my own self-care, support, and comfort.
I neglected myself in the pursuit of making others happy. I stopped taking extra time to do my hair, nails, dress well, or even search for those perfect shoes or hats. I just plodded along with what I had, as if I didn’t matter, because, deep down, I felt like I didn’t matter.
I stopped allowing myself to be happy. What’s the point? Something always seems to tear me down. After everything the last two years have thrown at me, I’m surprised I’m still here. What else could possibly go wrong? To be safe, I didn’t even bother getting my hopes up or looking forward to anything.
I always looked at the negative side of everything, rather than seeing the positive. I didn’t trust people who gave positive feedback, thinking they were taking the piss or setting me up for something. But the negative? That was easy to believe.
I removed myself from people because I didn’t want to deal with what I thought they were saying or the constant judgment I perceived. I became isolated, yet I hated being alone. I didn’t like how I felt around others because I believed I had nothing to contribute.
But how can any of this be right?
I am unique. I’m the only person who knows how to be me, and I’m the only person who can be me. I’ve survived so much over the last two years, and I’m still here. My children have grown up and are achieving higher-than-average grades. They have bright futures ahead of them and so do I.
I have a nice home, a job, and I’m not in debt. I just forgot the most important person in my life: ME! I’m worth all the love, care, and attention I give to others. I can achieve anything I set my mind to. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. I just need to be me.
So now, I need to discover who that is and look forward to finding that out. ☺
Real Talk: Diary of a Seriously Fcked Off Parent 